Clever Escape

Sunshine’s grandfather (mother’s father) just picked her up from my in-laws house yesterday to go back to his sister’s house for the week. He and his sister are going on 80. I’m sure she’ll have a fabulous time…

Right.

She hated it last time and I’m betting on her hating it this time. Oh well. At least she got a break from the monotony spending last week with my husband’s parents. They give her food she is willing to eat and find things for her to do!

I have written before how I do not get along with my MIL, and most of it has to do with how she interacts with Sunshine. It is not that she is horrible or mean - quite the opposite. She spoils her so much it is sickening. She is one of those parents that when you meet them, it totally explains why the child is a spoiled, willful, out of control little brat that talks back and demands and expects everything to go their way because that is how it has always been.

My and my husband’s parenting style is dramatically different from hers. We believe in personal responsibility, earning your keep (as in school and keeping her room clean), demonstrating respect, etc.

My MIL has actually told us that she hopes we never have children, because we would not be good parents.

Yep. Seriously.

And I thought I already WAS a parent? Apparently not.

When I got pregnant she flipped and said that we were going to be wonderful parents blah blah blah, but you can’t take statements like that other one back. That one will be with me forever.

Whenever we visit my in-laws and Sunshine is with us, it is always stressful. At least for me. I know Sunshine feels it and gets confused over who she is supposed to obey first. Since she is raised primarly by her grandfather when she is with her mother, I can understand why she gets confused. She, my husband and I all sat down and explained the “hierarchy of power” to her and that seemed to help, but there are still those moments when she is looking back and forth between my MIL and I trying to figure out whether whatever she is doing is ok by both of us.

When Sunshine stays alone with my in-laws is the worst. She returns rolling her eyes, talking back, not picking up after herself…etc. Kind of like when she comes here from her mother’s house. Only with ridiculous attitude. And my MIL knows how we do things. She knows what we allow and what we don’t. She knows because my husband tells her. She knows because when I am there, that is what we do. And when we are not there, she deliberately ignores anything and everything and does what she damn well wants to.

And sometimes she does it even when we are there.

This year we requested one thing from her.

One. Goddamn. Thing.

Before Sunshine even arrived at her house, my husband requested that she not buy Sunshine shoes. He explained that we always bought her shoes because her mother always sent her to our house with shoes that were too small so that we would have to.

This year we are putting our foot down. We were not buying her shoes, and her mother is going to have to step up and actually spend some of the child support money on Sunshine.

He told my MIL this.

She understood and acknowledged him.

And she ignored his request.

She bought her shoes.

I know, I know, not really a big thing on the surface, right? But when it is added in with all of the other things she has done it is not so small anymore. It is a continuing problem. It is disrespectful to us, as Sunshine’s parents.

She disrespects me to my face constantly. She disrespects my husband behind his back. And she is teaching Sunshine to do the same.

I have actually heard her say “Don’t tell [clevergirl] but when you come here we are going to…” and “I know your father said that you couldn’t but…”

Yeah.

I have not talked to her since that incident in May. I have no desire to communicate with her at all.I don’t want to be around someone that makes me feel like she does.

Besides, she is not really interested in what I think. She is not going to change. And because she is not willing to admit that she is the problem, nothing will ever get better.

So here I am, with her openly admitting to my husband over the phone that, “I know you told me not to, but I bought her some shoes…”

What do I do with that?

I really feel like writing her and telling her exactly what I think. But that will not make it better. I am just so very angry, and annoyed, and…hurt in a way. That she doesn’t respect our ability to make decisions like that. That she doesn’t respect me as Sunshine’s parent.

I think that maybe a fantasy reply is in order here, but if I write it, I will probably be way too tempted to send it. That whole say whatever I think thing really gets in the way sometimes.

And I have been holding SO MUCH back when it comes to her for the last few years that it actually hurts physically to think about it and I’m worried about all that coming out at once, cause it would not be good.

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he’s fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him til
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
‘Taxes drove me
to my doom…’

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline  surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Drivng Permit Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment  (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax ( too much  per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Property Tax
Provincial Income Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial  and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation
was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had a  large middleclass,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened? Can you spell ‘politicians?’

And I still have to ‘press 1′ for English!?!?!?!?

Today I go back to work.

I think I shall miss summer. As much as I love my job, I was getting really used to not working.

I got up at five today. I usually don’t wake up until 6:14 (exactly) so this was a little bit early for me. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t out of excitement for the day of meetings I have ahead of me.

I plan on getting up at five so I can go running in the mornings, you know, before it is 110 outside. Just not today. Bleh.

I see a nap in my very near future.

I have had to take a couple of weeks off because I am currently broken and don’t want to make myself more broken. It was bad enough that I kept running through it just because there was a race I wanted to run. No point in pushing it now. There aren’t any race I want to run in until September.

Sucks not running though. It is my stress relief. I think I may have to start running again next week, injured or not! The first few weeks of school are always crazy.

Enough wasting time. I might as well go into work and get some stuff done before meetings.

Important stuff…like…talking to people and wandering around.

I know quite a few of you out there have already written about title “mom”. I also know that I avoided the conversation, and chose not to post about it. I did that on purpose. For one, my what I think had already been said by other people. And two, everyone has a right to their own opinion and I will not tell someone they are right or wrong when I don’t know everything about the different situations.

Each family, as I am sure that most of us are more than aware, is unique and must make their own decisions about things like this. Each situation is different, each child is different, each parent is different. No one answer is correct, and no one is wrong either.

I chose not to write about it then because I didn’t see the point. I rarely post opinions about anything (lol surprising, actually, if you know me in “real life”) and don’t cause too much controversy (well, except that thing in January).

I write about this now because it came up while Sunshine was here, and for no other reason. I write about this now because it came up in my daily living, and that is generally what I write about. I don’t really care what your opinion is regarding stepchildren calling stepparents mom or dad. This is how we are handling it, and you disagreeing will not change any of it.

When Izzy declared Sunshine her “best friend”, and after Sunshine had expressed sadness over not having any friends here, I was damned determined to make sure she keep this one. I try to resist, but I usually do whatever it is that I think will make Sunshine happy, including spending ridiculous amounts of money and going out of my way to make things happen for her. The way I see it, it is just money. Her happiness is worth it.

I told Sunshine that she should invite Izzy to meet us at a local children’s indoor play place. This place is absolutely amazing. It is designed around a tropical island theme. It is just over two stories tall, with a giant tree filling the center of it with slides and nets and bridges and the foam floor stuff and tunnels and a movie room…basically you pay to get in and let them go. For hours. And hours. It is heaven, and Sunshine always has a blast.

Izzy said she couldn’t go that day, but she could on Saturday. She was going to spend all the money she had earned that summer on going, and was ridiculously excited, jumping up and down and screaming and smiling. Sunshine was excited, but got a little nervous at how excited Izzy was!

Sunshine looked at her a little weird and told her that she “had to go ask her mom if Saturday was ok”.

She had to go ask her mom.

As in, ME.

I know, I know, it was probably just because it gets confusing with friends and calling me by my first name cause then she has to explain it and it gets annoying. But still. She said it. And not only that, when she did get over to me, she asked me “Mom, can we go to [the play place] on Saturday instead?” Izzy wasn’t around for that one. There was no one to confuse and explain to.

And of course, I said yes. We had to rearrange a bunch of stuff, cause we were moving on Saturday, but we made it work.

I figured the “Mom” thing was a slip, and forgot about it. Then, throughout the rest of the week, she kept “slipping” some more. Then all day at the play place, she said it. Occasionally she would peer at me out of the corner of her eye as she said it, to check my reaction, and I concentrated really hard on remaining passive, then she would continue on like nothing was abnormal at all. Soon she wasn’t checking my reaction anymore.

Our policy, explained to her when I met her at age four, and reiterated yearly after that, is that it is up to Sunshine what she wants to call me (provided it is appropriate). She can call me my first name, or I will answer to Mom if that is what she is comfortable with. It is one hundred percent up to her. She had decided that she would just call me by my first name, because she thought it would be too confusing if she called me Mom too. She calls her stepdad by his first name.

She makes the choice. I would never, ever, demand that she only call me one or the other.

We have talked about how special it is to call someone Mom, because Moms are really special people, and that while I would feel really special if she did choose to call me that, it would not at all hurt my feelings for her not to. Usually it is my first name. Sometimes, it is Mom. I answer to either and respond the same to either. It’s just my insides that go all mushy when she does choose to call me Mom. Hopefully it doesn’t show on the outside too much…

After the play place (where I made doubly sure to get Izzy’s phone number and plan to meet up with her on Sunshine’s next trip) she reverted back to my first name. Then the next day it was Mom! or Mommy! at the pool when we were playing around. We meet some kids there and they asked if I was her mom, and she said yes. No additions or corrections that I was her stepmom. I was too far away to correct it myself, or I may have.

In the end, though, it ends up making me even more sad when she leaves. She feels comfortable enough to refer to me as Mom, then leaves again. This time for two months before she has a break and can come back down again. We are tempted to start flying her down for regular weekends too, but with plane tickets going up, up, up, we probably won’t be able to afford it.

Sunshine met a girl her age at swimming lessons. Three, actually. One of whom had also been in her soccer camp, but they didn’t realize it until four days in. Kids are ridiculous sometimes. There were only four girls in the class! How do you not notice that one of them is a girl that you had played with every day the week before?

Silly.

The new girl’s name is Izzy. She is a little pixie girl, with a tiny face and pointed nose and chin, and curly hair that I am pretty sure her mother doesn’t know what to do with. On day three of swimming lessons, Izzy asked Sunshine if she would be her best friend.

I know, at eight, you have dozens of “best friends”. And if you are Sunshine, you have them all over the country. But this one is significant because on the drive to swimming lessons that day, Sunshine had been lamenting her lack of friends in Phoenix and wishing she could meet someone she could play with while she was here.

We talked about her moving around so much (her mother moves regularly, all over her state) and how she makes friends everywhere she lives and not to worry, that she will find some friends here. And we talked about life a little bit, how as we get older our likes and needs change, and sometimes friends will still fit as we get older, but most of the time new friends will come along. I told her about all the different friends I have had all over the place, and that each of them were special to me in some way.

She asked questions about some of my friends and my moving around and seemed to be starting to understand that change is a part of life, and while it may be hard, it can be good too.

In the past she has had several friends here, but in her long breaks between trips down here, we lose track of them. Moving back to NY for that year didn’t help, either.

When we got out to the car she promptly informed me that, “Hey, clevergirl, do you remember what we were talking about before? About friends? Well Izzy just asked me to be her best friend. Isn’t that cool that I was just wanting one here, and now I have one?”

I could tell she was happy, but afraid to be excited about it. She has lost so much, so often. There are very few constants in her life. I hope this friend will last.