Right.

She hated it last time and I’m betting on her hating it this time. Oh well. At least she got a break from the monotony spending last week with my husband’s parents. They give her food she is willing to eat and find things for her to do!

I have written before how I do not get along with my MIL, and most of it has to do with how she interacts with Sunshine. It is not that she is horrible or mean - quite the opposite. She spoils her so much it is sickening. She is one of those parents that when you meet them, it totally explains why the child is a spoiled, willful, out of control little brat that talks back and demands and expects everything to go their way because that is how it has always been.

My and my husband’s parenting style is dramatically different from hers. We believe in personal responsibility, earning your keep (as in school and keeping her room clean), demonstrating respect, etc.

My MIL has actually told us that she hopes we never have children, because we would not be good parents.

Yep. Seriously.

And I thought I already WAS a parent? Apparently not.

When I got pregnant she flipped and said that we were going to be wonderful parents blah blah blah, but you can’t take statements like that other one back. That one will be with me forever.

Whenever we visit my in-laws and Sunshine is with us, it is always stressful. At least for me. I know Sunshine feels it and gets confused over who she is supposed to obey first. Since she is raised primarly by her grandfather when she is with her mother, I can understand why she gets confused. She, my husband and I all sat down and explained the “hierarchy of power” to her and that seemed to help, but there are still those moments when she is looking back and forth between my MIL and I trying to figure out whether whatever she is doing is ok by both of us.

When Sunshine stays alone with my in-laws is the worst. She returns rolling her eyes, talking back, not picking up after herself…etc. Kind of like when she comes here from her mother’s house. Only with ridiculous attitude. And my MIL knows how we do things. She knows what we allow and what we don’t. She knows because my husband tells her. She knows because when I am there, that is what we do. And when we are not there, she deliberately ignores anything and everything and does what she damn well wants to.

And sometimes she does it even when we are there.

This year we requested one thing from her.

One. Goddamn. Thing.

Before Sunshine even arrived at her house, my husband requested that she not buy Sunshine shoes. He explained that we always bought her shoes because her mother always sent her to our house with shoes that were too small so that we would have to.

This year we are putting our foot down. We were not buying her shoes, and her mother is going to have to step up and actually spend some of the child support money on Sunshine.

He told my MIL this.

She understood and acknowledged him.

And she ignored his request.

She bought her shoes.

I know, I know, not really a big thing on the surface, right? But when it is added in with all of the other things she has done it is not so small anymore. It is a continuing problem. It is disrespectful to us, as Sunshine’s parents.

She disrespects me to my face constantly. She disrespects my husband behind his back. And she is teaching Sunshine to do the same.

I have actually heard her say “Don’t tell [clevergirl] but when you come here we are going to…” and “I know your father said that you couldn’t but…”

Yeah.

I have not talked to her since that incident in May. I have no desire to communicate with her at all.I don’t want to be around someone that makes me feel like she does.

Besides, she is not really interested in what I think. She is not going to change. And because she is not willing to admit that she is the problem, nothing will ever get better.

So here I am, with her openly admitting to my husband over the phone that, “I know you told me not to, but I bought her some shoes…”

What do I do with that?

I really feel like writing her and telling her exactly what I think. But that will not make it better. I am just so very angry, and annoyed, and…hurt in a way. That she doesn’t respect our ability to make decisions like that. That she doesn’t respect me as Sunshine’s parent.

I think that maybe a fantasy reply is in order here, but if I write it, I will probably be way too tempted to send it. That whole say whatever I think thing really gets in the way sometimes.

And I have been holding SO MUCH back when it comes to her for the last few years that it actually hurts physically to think about it and I’m worried about all that coming out at once, cause it would not be good.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won’t be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him til
He’s good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he’s laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
‘Taxes drove me
to my doom…’

When he’s gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline  surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Death Tax
Dog License Tax
Drivng Permit Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment  (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax ( too much  per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Hunting License Tax
Hydro Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Property Tax
Provincial Income Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Federal Tax
Telephone Federal, Provincial  and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation
was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had a  large middleclass,
and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened? Can you spell ‘politicians?’

And I still have to ‘press 1′ for English!?!?!?!?

I think I shall miss summer. As much as I love my job, I was getting really used to not working.

I got up at five today. I usually don’t wake up until 6:14 (exactly) so this was a little bit early for me. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t out of excitement for the day of meetings I have ahead of me.

I plan on getting up at five so I can go running in the mornings, you know, before it is 110 outside. Just not today. Bleh.

I see a nap in my very near future.

I have had to take a couple of weeks off because I am currently broken and don’t want to make myself more broken. It was bad enough that I kept running through it just because there was a race I wanted to run. No point in pushing it now. There aren’t any race I want to run in until September.

Sucks not running though. It is my stress relief. I think I may have to start running again next week, injured or not! The first few weeks of school are always crazy.

Enough wasting time. I might as well go into work and get some stuff done before meetings.

Important stuff…like…talking to people and wandering around.

Each family, as I am sure that most of us are more than aware, is unique and must make their own decisions about things like this. Each situation is different, each child is different, each parent is different. No one answer is correct, and no one is wrong either.

I chose not to write about it then because I didn’t see the point. I rarely post opinions about anything (lol surprising, actually, if you know me in “real life”) and don’t cause too much controversy (well, except that thing in January).

I write about this now because it came up while Sunshine was here, and for no other reason. I write about this now because it came up in my daily living, and that is generally what I write about. I don’t really care what your opinion is regarding stepchildren calling stepparents mom or dad. This is how we are handling it, and you disagreeing will not change any of it.

When Izzy declared Sunshine her “best friend”, and after Sunshine had expressed sadness over not having any friends here, I was damned determined to make sure she keep this one. I try to resist, but I usually do whatever it is that I think will make Sunshine happy, including spending ridiculous amounts of money and going out of my way to make things happen for her. The way I see it, it is just money. Her happiness is worth it.

I told Sunshine that she should invite Izzy to meet us at a local children’s indoor play place. This place is absolutely amazing. It is designed around a tropical island theme. It is just over two stories tall, with a giant tree filling the center of it with slides and nets and bridges and the foam floor stuff and tunnels and a movie room…basically you pay to get in and let them go. For hours. And hours. It is heaven, and Sunshine always has a blast.

Izzy said she couldn’t go that day, but she could on Saturday. She was going to spend all the money she had earned that summer on going, and was ridiculously excited, jumping up and down and screaming and smiling. Sunshine was excited, but got a little nervous at how excited Izzy was!

Sunshine looked at her a little weird and told her that she “had to go ask her mom if Saturday was ok”.

She had to go ask her mom.

As in, ME.

I know, I know, it was probably just because it gets confusing with friends and calling me by my first name cause then she has to explain it and it gets annoying. But still. She said it. And not only that, when she did get over to me, she asked me “Mom, can we go to [the play place] on Saturday instead?” Izzy wasn’t around for that one. There was no one to confuse and explain to.

And of course, I said yes. We had to rearrange a bunch of stuff, cause we were moving on Saturday, but we made it work.

I figured the “Mom” thing was a slip, and forgot about it. Then, throughout the rest of the week, she kept “slipping” some more. Then all day at the play place, she said it. Occasionally she would peer at me out of the corner of her eye as she said it, to check my reaction, and I concentrated really hard on remaining passive, then she would continue on like nothing was abnormal at all. Soon she wasn’t checking my reaction anymore.

Our policy, explained to her when I met her at age four, and reiterated yearly after that, is that it is up to Sunshine what she wants to call me (provided it is appropriate). She can call me my first name, or I will answer to Mom if that is what she is comfortable with. It is one hundred percent up to her. She had decided that she would just call me by my first name, because she thought it would be too confusing if she called me Mom too. She calls her stepdad by his first name.

She makes the choice. I would never, ever, demand that she only call me one or the other.

We have talked about how special it is to call someone Mom, because Moms are really special people, and that while I would feel really special if she did choose to call me that, it would not at all hurt my feelings for her not to. Usually it is my first name. Sometimes, it is Mom. I answer to either and respond the same to either. It’s just my insides that go all mushy when she does choose to call me Mom. Hopefully it doesn’t show on the outside too much…

After the play place (where I made doubly sure to get Izzy’s phone number and plan to meet up with her on Sunshine’s next trip) she reverted back to my first name. Then the next day it was Mom! or Mommy! at the pool when we were playing around. We meet some kids there and they asked if I was her mom, and she said yes. No additions or corrections that I was her stepmom. I was too far away to correct it myself, or I may have.

In the end, though, it ends up making me even more sad when she leaves. She feels comfortable enough to refer to me as Mom, then leaves again. This time for two months before she has a break and can come back down again. We are tempted to start flying her down for regular weekends too, but with plane tickets going up, up, up, we probably won’t be able to afford it.

Silly.

The new girl’s name is Izzy. She is a little pixie girl, with a tiny face and pointed nose and chin, and curly hair that I am pretty sure her mother doesn’t know what to do with. On day three of swimming lessons, Izzy asked Sunshine if she would be her best friend.

I know, at eight, you have dozens of “best friends”. And if you are Sunshine, you have them all over the country. But this one is significant because on the drive to swimming lessons that day, Sunshine had been lamenting her lack of friends in Phoenix and wishing she could meet someone she could play with while she was here.

We talked about her moving around so much (her mother moves regularly, all over her state) and how she makes friends everywhere she lives and not to worry, that she will find some friends here. And we talked about life a little bit, how as we get older our likes and needs change, and sometimes friends will still fit as we get older, but most of the time new friends will come along. I told her about all the different friends I have had all over the place, and that each of them were special to me in some way.

She asked questions about some of my friends and my moving around and seemed to be starting to understand that change is a part of life, and while it may be hard, it can be good too.

In the past she has had several friends here, but in her long breaks between trips down here, we lose track of them. Moving back to NY for that year didn’t help, either.

When we got out to the car she promptly informed me that, “Hey, clevergirl, do you remember what we were talking about before? About friends? Well Izzy just asked me to be her best friend. Isn’t that cool that I was just wanting one here, and now I have one?”

I could tell she was happy, but afraid to be excited about it. She has lost so much, so often. There are very few constants in her life. I hope this friend will last.

Excuses, excuses.

Just because you are in different states…

Anyhow. New Apartment. New internets. Less room. The washer was broken and the showerhead in the second bathroom sprayed down the entire room whenever it was turned on. And of course, that is the shower that Sunshine uses and it never occurred to her to worry about the lake in the bathroom that was created every time she took a shower. Or, you know, mention it to us.

But really, what can we expect from a child that has absolutely no responsibilities unless she is here with us? Reprogramming her to the way we do things every time she gets here gets really old.  Especially when she is only here for three day weekends or something short like that. By the time she is back to doing things like saying please and thank you and picking up after herself, it is time for her to go back to her mother’s!

My brain is all over the place. We don’t have everything unpacked yet and it messes with my state of mind…boxes and piles everywhere. Bleh. I’m tired of unpacking and trying to find a place for everything. We had to go to Ikea and buy a desk and pantry, cause there isn’t one here and we left my husband’s desk in NY last summer. Even with the new pantry thing there isn’t enough room for everything…and the openings on the existing cupboards are too small to put our plates through.

Ok so this is full of random thoughts and no flow whatsoever, but my husband said I needed to write something today so there you go.

Maybe I’ll have better brain activity later.

You may want to sit down for this one.

That is, if you are standing up at your computer. Which would be abnormal. But just in case, make sure you are seated.

Sunshine tried to call her mother today, and…drumroll…”this phone is temporarily out of service“.

I warned you. It’s a shocker, that one. Especially considering that her mother has called her ONCE in the FIVE WEEKS she has been here.

ONCE.

IN FIVE WEEKS.

And that was two days after she arrived here. Nothing since then. Her grandfather called once about a week ago. But that is it.

My mother? Has called at least six times. Nick’s parents? Comment on her site almost daily. But her mother? Nothing. No communication at all. So we told her she should call her mother. And, somewhat reluctantly, she did. And it was out of service. We told her to call her grandfather and find out why her mother’s phone wasn’t working. He gave his phone to her mother, who didn’t answer her question at all, just said that it would be back on by the end of the week.

In other words, as soon as her husband came home to give her some money to pay the bill.

His phone, though, is on and working. Why they don’t have a family plan, I don’t know. Maybe his phone is a work phone or something. Which is assuming that he isn’t working under the table anymore, and is actually filing his taxes and stuff, and I’m sure you can guess the likelihood of that one.

Anyone that has been reading this blog for any real amount of time (as in, pre-deleteeverythingIhaveeverwritten) knows that her phone gets turned off all the time. ALL THE TIME. What if something had happened to Sunshine? What if we couldn’t get a hold of her? What if her father didn’t answer the phone either, or check his messages, as they are all prone to do? What then?

And what if, by some chance, Sunshine was actually interested in calling and talking to her mother, but she hadn’t been able to get a hold of her this entire time?

I mean really. One thing to not call all freaking summer. But to make it impossible to be called? That is a whole other level.

I shouldn’t be surprised by either. And really I’m not. I am not surprised that her phone was turned off. It is a common occurance and a big factor in why we got her her own phone on our plan. And she never calls when Sunshine is with us. Ever. Not even when we had her for six months straight. Nothing. We would have Sunshine call her every couple of weeks, but why go through the effort when it just ruins Sunshine’s day anyway?

And also typically, Sunshine was upset when she got off the phone. She does a good attempt at hiding when she is upset, and I am not looking forward to the day when she can actually pull it off, but she was visibly not happy. When I went to tuck her in, before my husband read her her bedtime story, she said that July sure went fast.

Is that why you were upset after you talked to your mom? Cause she made a big deal about how you were only here for another few days?

Yeah. I like it here.

I’m sorry you feel sad. July did go fast, but you will be back here before you know it!

Yeah. I wish I could stay here. If only it weren’t so hot!

Hey, it’s only really hot during July. And it won’t be July anymore when you come back, so no big deal.

I wish I could put more effort into defending her mother’s actions. I know that she is upset that she hasn’t called her all summer. She is upset that her mother made a big deal over she “only has to be there a little while longer”.

She does not understand why her mother does the things she does, or why her life has to be the way it is, why we all can’t live closer together. But it is NOT MY JOB to defend her mother to her. It is starting to get easier to stop myself from doing it. I used to think that I needed to protect her and her vision of what her mother is supposed to be. But I can’t do that for her anymore. I can’t excuse such noxious behavior anymore. I don’t have it in me. She is just going to have to figure it out for herself.

Not that I don’t like moving. I like living all different places. This time, though, it’s not so exciting cause we are just moving closer to where I work. Nothing really new and exciting. Except that it is a ground floor apartment. That is cool. And a way, way shorter drive to work. That is cool too.

I may or may not have mentioned that my husband has horrible ADD. Therefore, he is not the packer. I have to be the packer. Were he to try to help, which he has in the past, it would end up taking twice as long because I would have to finish doing whatever it was that he had been doing because he would get distracted by something shiny and wonderful, or find something he had been looking for three months ago and have to do whatever project it went to, or a piece to something that he had already packed and would have to therefore unpack everything and put it all together right.

Yeah, so. I’m the packer.

In theory, I am just the packer and then he is the mover.

In theory.

Usually I end up doing a large portion of the moving as well. And it looks like that is how it is going to be this time around too.

I have lost count of all the people I have helped move at one point or another. Basically almost everybody I know. If there is somebody I know that I haven’t helped move, it is probably because they haven’t moved yet.

Conveniently, though, I helped these people move away. As in, they aren’t here anymore. Here, where I am. Where I require assistance in moving. Bleh.

Plus Sunshine is here. I hate moving when she is here.

One, it is really annoying to have her everywhere.

Two, I can’t just throw her whole room in boxes and leave it. She needs clothes and a bed and entertainment.

Three, I have to entertain her somehow.

Four, I feel really, really guilty about spending our last week with her packing up and moving shit. That is not fun.

And to top it off, it is expected to be over 100 the entire time.

I think this is the one and only time I have ever not liked the heat.

Who came up with this ridiculous schedule?

In two days time she will be spending a minimum of six hours on a plane. That is assuming that her grandfather got nonstop flights, which he never has before so probably didn’t this time. He tends to get overnights. Great idea with a child, right? Last time she was five. And spent eighteen hours in JFK. Brilliant.

We offered to fly Sunshine to PA directly from here, which was turned down. Turned down because it would have given us another three days with her. But then her mother said we could take her five days early for winter break.

WTF?

Where is the logic and reasoning here?

It is not ok to have her three days longer to save her from a ridiculous plane trip across the country, but it is ok for her to miss two days of school at winter break (ridiculous days, the 22nd and 23rd, who schedules school on THOSE days? really? Oh yeah, THEY do) to come down here.

I’m not sure why I even ask that anymore. There is no logic and reasoning.

But then, I am trying to be more positive. I’m sure she has a reason, even though I can’t even come up with anything ridiculous at the moment, with no allowances for logic.

I would really like to be able to get a long with her. I would really like for her to make an effort to acknowledge my husband as a parent, and not someone that Sunshine goes to visit occassionally but really has no right to any opinion about anything that happens in her life.

And on top of that, I hate seeing her leave. I would almost want her to come here less so she won’t leave us as often. Leaving is horrible. Saying goodbye is horrible, while she is talking about how she wishes she could stay here, with us. What a hard life for her. To always want to stay, yet to go. To want one parent, but miss the other. To dream about all of us living so close she could just walk across the street to see the other person whenever she wanted.

But it will never happen. And she knows that. Short of us winning the lottery and bribing her mother with obscene amounts of money to move here, which would be hard to do since we don’t play, we will always live far away from where her mother lives.

The end of the summer sucks. At least I will have moving and work to distract me.

Anyhow, he is still on Tuesday nights, is still awesome, and the chat room is still available. Go to Jungletrain.net and look for DJ Darkstar tomorrow night. He starts at like 6pm Colorado time, so whatever that translates to wherever you people are.

It would totally make his day if you login to the chat room and tell him clevrgrl sent you to listen, just DO NOT MENTION THIS BLOG. As far as I know, he doesn’t know about it, and I would like to keep it that way