Clever Escape

Now, I know that this is going to shock most of you. Totally floored me.

You may want to sit down for this one.

That is, if you are standing up at your computer. Which would be abnormal. But just in case, make sure you are seated.

Sunshine tried to call her mother today, and…drumroll…”this phone is temporarily out of service“.

I warned you. It’s a shocker, that one. Especially considering that her mother has called her ONCE in the FIVE WEEKS she has been here.

ONCE.

IN FIVE WEEKS.

And that was two days after she arrived here. Nothing since then. Her grandfather called once about a week ago. But that is it.

My mother? Has called at least six times. Nick’s parents? Comment on her site almost daily. But her mother? Nothing. No communication at all. So we told her she should call her mother. And, somewhat reluctantly, she did. And it was out of service. We told her to call her grandfather and find out why her mother’s phone wasn’t working. He gave his phone to her mother, who didn’t answer her question at all, just said that it would be back on by the end of the week.

In other words, as soon as her husband came home to give her some money to pay the bill.

His phone, though, is on and working. Why they don’t have a family plan, I don’t know. Maybe his phone is a work phone or something. Which is assuming that he isn’t working under the table anymore, and is actually filing his taxes and stuff, and I’m sure you can guess the likelihood of that one.

Anyone that has been reading this blog for any real amount of time (as in, pre-deleteeverythingIhaveeverwritten) knows that her phone gets turned off all the time. ALL THE TIME. What if something had happened to Sunshine? What if we couldn’t get a hold of her? What if her father didn’t answer the phone either, or check his messages, as they are all prone to do? What then?

And what if, by some chance, Sunshine was actually interested in calling and talking to her mother, but she hadn’t been able to get a hold of her this entire time?

I mean really. One thing to not call all freaking summer. But to make it impossible to be called? That is a whole other level.

I shouldn’t be surprised by either. And really I’m not. I am not surprised that her phone was turned off. It is a common occurance and a big factor in why we got her her own phone on our plan. And she never calls when Sunshine is with us. Ever. Not even when we had her for six months straight. Nothing. We would have Sunshine call her every couple of weeks, but why go through the effort when it just ruins Sunshine’s day anyway?

And also typically, Sunshine was upset when she got off the phone. She does a good attempt at hiding when she is upset, and I am not looking forward to the day when she can actually pull it off, but she was visibly not happy. When I went to tuck her in, before my husband read her her bedtime story, she said that July sure went fast.

Is that why you were upset after you talked to your mom? Cause she made a big deal about how you were only here for another few days?

Yeah. I like it here.

I’m sorry you feel sad. July did go fast, but you will be back here before you know it!

Yeah. I wish I could stay here. If only it weren’t so hot!

Hey, it’s only really hot during July. And it won’t be July anymore when you come back, so no big deal.

I wish I could put more effort into defending her mother’s actions. I know that she is upset that she hasn’t called her all summer. She is upset that her mother made a big deal over she “only has to be there a little while longer”.

She does not understand why her mother does the things she does, or why her life has to be the way it is, why we all can’t live closer together. But it is NOT MY JOB to defend her mother to her. It is starting to get easier to stop myself from doing it. I used to think that I needed to protect her and her vision of what her mother is supposed to be. But I can’t do that for her anymore. I can’t excuse such noxious behavior anymore. I don’t have it in me. She is just going to have to figure it out for herself.

One thing I absolutely hate doing is having to say something over and over again, day after day.

It is one thing at school - I have to get them used to how I do things in the first couple of weeks, then I usually start stepping back and expect them just to remember what it is they are supposed to be doing with a few reminders here and there. They are pretty good at it.

But then, they are in high school, and shouldn’t need to be reminded to put their stuff away every…single…day…

Every time Sunshine comes to see us, we have to reteach her everything we had just retaught her the trip before. I know, she is 8 and not 15, but what I expect from her is quite a bit easier than what I expect out of my students.

Like, saying please and thank you. Apparently this doesn’t happen at her mother’s house.

Or getting dressed in the morning without being told to.

Or clearing her dishes from the table.

Or putting her dirty laundry in her basket.

Things like this make me wonder what her mother’s house looks like on a daily basis. I have been there before - it didn’t seem so bad. There was laundry absolutely everywhere, and her little brother’s toys were all over, but Sunshine’s stuff didn’t seem to engulf the house, and there wasn’t dirty dishes everywhere, and they all seemed to have changed out of their pajamas.

The beginning of every trip here is spent reinforcing the habits we had taught her the previous trip. It gets quite old.

This time I brought her over to my computer, picked out a cool font and made two lists.

The “When I wake up I…” list, and the “Before I go to bed I…” list. She helped fill in the lists. Mostly consisted of, get dressed, make bed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, clean one spot in my room, etc.

Then I made my morning list so she could see that while her list may look long to her, it really wasn’t. And we talked about responsibility and how as she got older, her lists would get longer.

And it has worked marvelously.

The first thing she does every morning is check out her list and get that stuff done. I haven’t had to say one single thing to her about any of it!

She gets herself dressed without me saying anything! Before noon!

And puts her laundry away!

And makes her bed!

And gets her breakfast! And then…loads her dishes in the dishwasher!

And every night it is the same thing…she gets ready all on her own, with no reminders.

Small victories.

Sunshine arrived last night, looking just as she always does and with the stuff she always brings (or rather, doesn’t bring). No surprises.

I suppose one thing that was new is that she brought a pile of stories she had written and a bunch of her school work from the end of school. We hardly ever get to see this stuff…her kindergarten and first grade teacher were really good about sending samples of her work every couple of weeks, but her second grade teacher didn’t. She didn’t even send report cards unless we called and specifically asked for them. But she was really good about mailing us her weekly newsletters, which kept us up on what she was doing in school which was really nice. Can’t complain too much when really it is more than I realistically expect out of the schools up there. Sad, isn’t it?

My husband called her mother yesterday afternoon to make sure everything was going well. Sunshine wasn’t with her. Apparently her father (Sunshine’s grandfather) was taking her to the airport.

He asked her if she had gotten the insurance cards yet and if she could mail us a copy for the summer.

And, I know you will be shocked by this, cause I was…she said she had been laid off.

Right.

Well, maybe. But I doubt it. She gets “laid off” a whole hell of a lot. But whatever.

At least my husband hadn’t dropped her from his health insurance yet. Which he had not done on purpose, he had every intention of dropping her last month but forgot (heh). Least it worked out.

So I suppose we should check and see if his dental plan has dentists up there, or if she will need a checkup before she flies back at the end of the summer. I am thinking we should just take her. Her grandfather always takes her and pays for it. I don’t like that.

For those of you who don’t know, he views Sunshine as his “second (or fourth, rather) chance” at raising a child, since he has thus far failed on his first three attempts and created losers.

Oops, trying to be more positive…um…no really I can only describe them as losers.

He pretends to be her father. She already has a father. And a stepfather, actually. She is all full up in that department. But her mother is content to sit back and let him do all the work. Oh well. Not our business what goes on up there, right? Unless, of course, it is actually harming Sunshine. But there isn’t any evidence of that (not real harm, anyhow) so we don’t worry about it.

Anyway back to the beginning. Sunshine is here and summer is really starting now. I really liked my full month off of not having anything to do. Definitely in favor of that. Though now I kind of miss it, despite how bored I was. Doing nothing was nice.

Ah well. Next summer.

Sunshine called yesterday while my husband was sleeping so I talked to her for a while. She is sounding really excited about the summer, especially about soccer camp. I suppose I’d better jump on getting her registered! That and swimming, and possibly gymnastics. Should keep her (and me) busy for most of the time she is here.

My husband called her back after he woke up. Her mother hadn’t called him back (surprise) about flights so he asked to talked to her. Apparently she was sitting in front of her mother because she was not a bitch at all which is really weird. My husband got a little confused and actually thought she had been nice, but no, she was just not being a bitch.

He asked her why she hadn’t called him back since he had left her four messages. She said her phone was off.

Right.

I don’t know if you all have noticed, but you can tell the status of the phone by the number of rings. If her phone was off, it wouldn’t ring at all, or just once, and go straight to voicemail. It did not. It rang just fine.

If it was actually turned off by the cell phone company (which happens all the time) then we would get a recorded message saying that the number wasn’t available or something along those lines. My husband used to that and would have just called her father or Sunshine’s phone (though we hate doing that) to talk to her about the flights.

Pathological liars piss me off. Why not just say that you didn’t feel like calling back? Or was in a pissy mood? Or like to annoy him because you have nothing better to do in life? I hate it when people don’t just say how it is!

Does she really think we believe her when she lies about this crap? I mean, seriously. First, it is a stupid thing to lie about. Second, there is obvious proof that she is lying. Or is that the joy in it? Insisting on a lie despite all evidence to the contrary?

It is like this site about how to identify a pathological liar, which I believe I have posted before (but since I deleted all that, I suppose I should post it again). I just found another, shorter definition of both pathological liars and compulsive liars. I’m not sure which Sunshine’s mother is…maybe both.

Pathological Liar
A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one’s way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.

Compulsive Liar
A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (see, Pathological Liar), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship.

I am leaning towards compulsive liar, based on these definitions. She lies for no reason. She lies about whether she got the mail. Whether she went to the store. What time she got up. That her phone was off. All silly things that there really isn’t any point to lying about. She only makes stuff up when confronted about the lie that she told, then she will insist that whatever she said was exactly what happened and never, ever admits otherwise despite inordinate amounts of evidence to the contrary.

Dreams, ideas, and plans not only are an escape, they give me purpose, a reason to hang on.
- Steven Callahan

That quote pretty much sums it up.

This blog is for my escape. It is for defining my purpose, putting my dreams and ideas down in word form. Exploring my life.

I have no theme.

Well, other than, you know, me. And what I am thinking. I suppose that is my theme.

While I do love and appreciate those who read what I write, my goal is not to collect thousands of readers. I write for me.

I hope that someday my writing will affect someone, in some way, in a positive fashion. I know how much it means to me to discover the blog of someone that sounds just like I do, is experiencing similar stresses and challenges. It helps with that alone feeling that creeps up on occasion. If anything, I want to assure someone out there that they are not alone in the craziness. I am crazy too…

About me…

I am 28 years old. I have married to a wonderful man whom I can’t imagine life without for three years now. I have a stepdaughter, Sunshine, who is eight years old and lives with her mother in another state. My family lives on the other side of the country, as does my husband’s family, but in a different state. I like it better this way, most of the time.

I love my alone time, yet I hate to be alone. I love to photograph and draw and paint and create, yet hardly ever have time for it, even when I do have time for it. I live in the heat and sunshine and love it. When it is cloudy out I suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I had a miscarriage in January and it was the worst day of my life. I am still suffering the effects of it to this day. I love my stepdaughter but there are times I truly hate being a stepmom.

I try to write what I think, as I think it, with the exact words that I think it. What comes out is probably some version of the truth of my life. Though even I recognize the distortion that individual perception and extreme emotion puts on events. So take it all with a grain of salt.

I am not sure what else I could say right now. How do you really describe yourself, anyhow? None of it is really who you are, is it? I could go on and on, but would you really know me? I think not.

A friend from when I was a kid, who reads my blog, told me that she feels like she never even knew me until reading what I write here. I suppose that if you did want to really know me, reading my blog would tell you more than what I will ever write here.

Not that I know why you all are interested anyway…though I read your blogs too so whatever reason it is, I must share in it.